Imposter

My name is Sarah and I am an imposter. There I said it. Somehow I managed to talk my way into doing a PhD which I later transferred to a Russell Group university. I’ve always been an imposter, in every single job or endeavour I’ve took on throughout my life. I’ve somehow stumbled into the VIP lounge, and I’m waiting for that tap on the shoulder and to be shown the door. I’m not clever enough for this. I should probably go do something else and stop pretending.

These seem like irrational thoughts or whatever you wish to call them, but they are difficult to challenge and feel very real. For years, I didn’t understand where they came from, so how could I challenge them? I’d always felt like I wasn’t good enough but managed to do OK in jobs despite feeling like an imposter. I dreaded supervision sessions and appraisals as I always thought I’d be found out and then I’d be in trouble!

From being in school, I got very easily distracted. If I was in a class that didn’t interest me then I struggled and talked to others, doodled or whatever. Maths was difficult and I hated it. I believe this was down to the teaching in part. I need to understand the purpose and meaning behind things to be able to work with them. Algebra was a foreign language to me. I was always seen as a bit weird in school and I was bullied from about 8 or 9. I kept getting compared to my sister and the teachers insisted on telling me I should just concentrate and try harder. I was clever, and I did well in subjects I could engage with. I loved Shakespeare and did well in English as a result.

I pursued creative subjects after school, but was told I’d never do well in art. When the deadline to submit my work came, I exceeded the expectations of my teachers. I did an arts degree, followed by various jobs before training as a healthcare professional.

Still waiting to be shown the door.

I’ve always lived in a messy flat. I’m clean, but mess overwhelms me. I often got asked why I couldn’t just put things back where I got them. I used to answer that my brain didn’t work that way but I never knew why. I’m terrible at starting things, and if I do, finishing them. There are still rooms in my flat with the original decor because to decorate seems overwhelming. I take up hobbies and get massively into them before giving up. I took up knitting, buying loads of wool, patterns and needles before this became overwhelming and I gave up. I bought a broken accordion I was going to get fixed and learn how to play. A year later, it was listed on freecycle, untouched. When doing my PhD work, I’ll end up hyperfocusing on something else, such as a refund I was chasing for something bought online and getting very annoyed with this. I struggled to understand a lot of the reading I did, and believed I was stupid. My sleep was terrible for as long as I could remember. I felt restless all the time and struggled to relax. I took up running and swimming which helped me tire myself out. I could remember conversations 20 years ago, particularly when I connected them with an emotion, like feeling sad or embarrassed. Ask me what you just said, I couldn’t tell you.

My friend was seeking diagnosis, and I was helping her move. I commented on the remnants of hobbies taken up and never finished, and a few other things. Then I realised, this was me.

I was able to see an ADHD specialist within a few months through the NHS. Waiting lists are 2-3 years in some areas so I got lucky. When I was diagnosed, I cried. Stuff made sense now. I wasn’t keen to take medication at first because of the stigma (I will probably write a blog post on this at some point), but it has helped. I’m also figuring out how to work with the brain that I have, rather than against it. My brain works in its own unique way but I wouldn’t swap it for a neurotypical brain any day. If I hadn’t hyperfocused on a niggle around 10 years ago, then I wouldn’t be doing a PhD now. If you ask me for solutions to a problem, I will think outside the box. Hang on…. there’s a box?

I still feel like an imposter, but maybe not so much. I understand why I don’t always understand stuff straight away but I can find ways to help me. Mind maps are great! People might still think I’m weird but who wants to be normal? Give me a deadline and I’ll smash it. I might get distracted by a squirrel (why is it always squirrels with ADHD) but I can get back on task eventually and squirrels are cool (as are other animals). Oh and I’m not stupid, I just learn stuff in my own way and that’s ok.