I’ve gone back to doing another literature review, only a more robust, systematic approach. Not a systematic review, I think I would lose the will to live. I’ve really struggled with the searching and documenting all the stages. Yes, I get that it is just essentially writing stuff down but my brain won’t engage well with it and doesn’t want to, in the same way it doesn’t want to do housework. I know everyone finds certain things boring and tedious, but boring and tedious tasks are overwhelming and very difficult to start (and finish). Even with pomodoro working, they’re really hard. I’ve been trying various ways of “rewarding” myself to do stuff but it’s still hard. I’m trying to move forward but it feels like I’m trying to climb Mount Everest without the right equipment. I know the good bits come after this, mapping and analysing themes but it’s hard to get to that stage. Plus, every time my results are rightfully questioned by a supervisor (I have to get used to this, I know), it feels like a criticism and I end up going back and doing it all over again- even if the results are exactly the same. I could really do with someone sitting down with me and going through the process but realistically this won’t happen.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m overexaggerating, but it feels like, and has always felt like I have to put in 3x the effort for the same result a neurotypical person does. This is why I’ve struggled with the belief that I must be stupid for so long. I’ve given up reading anything but academic books now and started listening to audiobooks. I have to make copious notes and do mind maps to understand many of the academic textbooks, otherwise I’d forget what I’ve just read and would be unable to make sense of it. I’ve never got the whole, “I couldn’t put it down” about any books. I can always put a book down, even if it is an absolutely brilliant read.
If your computer ran like my brain did when trying to read stuff and do menial tasks, you’d probably bin it and get a new one with a better processer. Brains however, don’t come with any sort of warranty or upgrades.
Despite all these difficulties, once I make sense of things, I understand them very well and am able to explain them to anyone (even if they are quite complex ideas) at any level. I’m also very creative and like to do things differently, and I’m really good at finishing stuff when I have a deadline. I nearly always manage to finish work on time as I can hyper focus on getting all my paperwork done on time, as my brain can engage with the “reward” of getting home on time. The joys of dopamine!
I still wouldn’t swap my ADHD brain for a neurotypical one, but it would be great to be able to try one out now and again and know what it feels like..
My ADHD PhD 