Apologies that I haven’t written a blog for ages. Starting out in academia has been positive but overwhelming. I love teaching nursing, but getting my head around various systems and policies has been a nightmare, and still is. I’ve also had a ton of assessments to mark. While marking was my biggest fear, I’m finding it easy now I actually know what I’m doing. I’ve been allocated reasonable adjustments in terms of extra time as these sort of tasks often take me longer than my neurotypical peers. I’m also doing a teaching qualification and started the first module. I’m going to look at mind mapping as an assessment strategy and how this may be helpful for neurodiverse students. Hopefully, my workload will settle down in a few weeks, so I can focus on being a PhD and PGCE student again, in my very unique ADHD way. Oh and write the occasional blog post too.
So one night I decided to watch some TV, get an early night and get up early in the morning to crack on with marking assessments that were due in at 9pm that evening. I’m pretty crap at knowing what’s trending and popular but found Heartstopper on Netflix and watched the trailer. Yes, I confess, I knew nothing of the web-comic or graphic novels. I’m allowed to not know, being middle-aged. So I started watching and slowly my plans to get to bed at a reasonable time and get up at the crack of a sparrow’s fart to mark were slowly eroded. I binge-watched the whole lot and finally got my head down around 1am.
I may have ugly-cried after watching all 8 episodes. Yes, it’s a very positive and optimistic show, with brilliant queer representation but that is exactly what made me cry. I grew up under the dark cloud of Section 28 (thanks Maggie), an unequal age of consent, no rights to marry, and the AIDS crisis. Section 28 meant schools and teachers felt they couldn’t talk about LGBTQIA issues or even deal with homophobic bullying. In primary school, I got told off for giving a handmade Valentine’s card to a girl. I was about 6 at the time and this stayed in my head throughout school, as I tried to like boys and be straight, but failed miserably. I gave it a good go, for about the next 14 years. I even had a boyfriend at one point in my later teens, but yeah, that didn’t really work out well.
There was a lot of casual homophobia in school. I got bullied really badly but the physical bullying stopped when I went to secondary school. I mainly got bullied because of being ginger and weird, but often the word “lesbian” was used as an insult. Funnily enough, that never hurt because I never saw it as an insult so how could it? When Freddie Mercury died in 1991, there were constant homophobic jokes being shared in school. The gutter press was also very homophobic around and during the AIDS crisis, so the thought of growing up queer meant being seen as a pervert and broken. Even the RE teacher made homophobic slurs when talking about the bible, and I remember the Gideons speaking in assembly and telling us we couldn’t be gay and Christian. None of this was challenged of course, for fear of “promoting homosexuality”.
I was first outed around 17 when I told a girl I had a crush on her. Although she responded well when I told her, she also decided to tell a few people, who told a lot of people. I was outed as bisexual for some reason, even though I hadn’t even kissed anyone at that point and only been on a couple of pretty bad dates with boys. I sort of accepted the label of bisexual, before coming out as gay after university, and queer in my 30s. For a while, I couldn’t imagine growing old and queer, because I just didn’t have any role models who would suggest this was even possible. I had this deluded idea that I would just “straighten out” with age. I know, as if!
So back to the reason I ugly cried. I felt as a queer person, there was no representation anywhere. Schools couldn’t talk about LGBTQIA people, we had no equal rights and the government and press were homophobic. There were very few gay characters on TV. I only remember Colin Russell in Eastenders and the furore that the character caused by having an on-screen kiss. The press dubbed the soap, “Eastbenders” and even parliament discussed whether it was appropriate to show two men kissing on TV during the AIDS crisis. All teen magazines and books were about fancying boys and obsessing over whoever was the latest heartthrob. The only time being queer came up was in the problem pages, with confused teenagers writing in, desperately wanting reassurance that their desires were “just a phase”. It felt like being queer was a miserable existence.
So along comes Heartstopper which unapologetically shows the absolute beauty and joy of being queer. There are some issues like homophobia and transphobia that are tackled, even sexual assault. However, it remains very positive and upbeat in its depiction of queerness. A huge contrast to the very little representation I had growing up, where queer people were depicted as perverts or dying of AIDS.
As someone with a trans masculine partner, it was lovely to see Elle’s story being told, without the usual morbid fascination around surgery and hormones. This was refreshing, as someone who has deflected so many inappropriate questions about my partner. The fact that Elle was trans and had to move to an all girls’ school was addressed. She is trans, we got over it and moved on to the next chapter in her story. Her friends (including her crush, Tao) didn’t make a big thing about it either.
At the centre was Nick and Charlie’s story, which was beautifully written, directed, and acted. I’ve been in similar situations to the party scene a few times as an adult, but never felt brave enough to open up about my feelings. I’m still pretty crap with that to be honest. Male bisexuality still isn’t well represented, so this was good to see in Nick’s character. The scenes of googling also made me fill up with tears. I didn’t have the internet growing up. It might have helped, but it might have led me down the dark path of conversion therapy too. After watching, I couldn’t resist doing one of the many unscientific, “Are you gay?” quizzes. I got, “labels are meaningless” which seems pretty accurate.
Lesbians were represented with Tara and Darcy and a beautiful dancefloor scene. I wouldn’t have dared kiss a girl in public at their age (or even as a young adult), but this moment was celebrated with confetti and rainbows.
Loved that through most of Heartstopper, Isaac was oblivious to all the drama with his head in a book, except for a few brilliant lines and eye-rolling.
Nick’s coming-out scene was beautiful and I think all queer people want to come out to Olivia Coleman now. I didn’t come out to my parents until I was 26. I kept putting it off and when I finally came out, I was prepared to be cut off from my family forever because I was tired of lying. In the end, it was quite disappointing as my mum wasn’t bothered and just wanted to ask why I wore make-up if I was a lesbian (?) and my dad knew anyway. It was a massive relief though. When my partner came out as trans, they took it in their stride too.
So, I cried a fair bit. Tears of queer joy, and grief at what I never had growing up. It was very emotional for me as a member of Generation X. For Gen Z, Heartstopper is important, with some polls showing that over half don’t identify as straight, and with the backdrop of transphobia and the attempts by a small (but very vocal) minority to push back trans rights. Don’t even get me started on the very partial conversion therapy ban that still leaves many open to what is essentially abuse. Part of me wouldn’t be surprised if some version of Section 28 affecting trans and non-binary kids was brought in. But sh! Let’s not give anyone in government ideas. I’m just glad that Gen Z are able to see queer joy being represented on screen, something I never had.
I read the Heartsopper graphic novels too. I’m crap at reading as I just can’t concentrate and get bored easily. I can ALWAYS put a book down. Most of my reading is research papers, and getting through them involves a process of highlighting, noting, and mind mapping before I even get close to understanding. Graphic novels seem to suit me. I never thought about them before, but the visuals really help me to focus, and I can actually remember what I read five minutes ago.
I’m super excited for Season 2 and 3 of Heartstopper. I’m not sure if I will be able to suspend my disbelief completely when it deals with Charlie’s mental health issues. The illness itself is represented accurately in the graphic novels. However, the process of Charlie getting a bed on a mental health ward is definitely the abridged version, having referred young service users for possible admission to CAMHS wards as a liaison nurse working in the ED. It is one of the most frustrating processes to deal with as a mental health nurse working in that role, involving a lot of paperwork, meetings, and bartering for paediatric medical beds whilst waiting for assessment, and for a mental health bed to come up when they rarer than unicorn poop. Oh and a lot of stress and swearing for all involved parties thanks to the drawn-out processes. But that would certainly make for boring viewing, and I would hate to think it would put anyone off seeking help. Might be good to see some mental health nurse representation in season 2, because we’re awesome. How about some queer, neurodiverse mental health nurse representation? Now we’re talking….
My ADHD PhD 