I’ve been crazy busy over the last 8 weeks. I’ve had an assignment for my teaching qualification that I threw myself into and went into hyperfocus mode. It was on making assessments inclusive in Higher Education (HE) and felt quite personal, so I’m hoping to get a good mark. I looked at using mind mapping as an assessment strategy. You might have noticed some brief podcast links here, and that was part of it, to show the versatility of mind mapping using software. They won’t make sense here, so please ignore them. I have perfectionist traits but my executive function gets so bad that with assignments, I usually settle for a pass. I never feel I can reach my potential, even with medication and adaptations, but I’m starting to make peace with that at last.
I’ve started writing too (as in non-academic writing). I wrote a piece on Section 28 and the threat of its return for an online magazine (unpaid, but good experience getting stuff done to deadlines). I’m also writing a semi-autobiographical novel about growing up queer and neurodiverse and navigating adulthood. I’ve semi-planned it but some chapters have been written as thoughts come into my head, an ADHD way of doing stuff. It’s likely that nobody will ever read it but it would be nice if they did, and it made enough money for me to outsource tasks I struggle with- cleaning, tidying, clothes shopping, dealing with tedious paperwork, etc. That would be the dream.
I’ve always been good at picking up autistic traits in other people, but until recently, I had never considered that it applied to me.
I’m fairly good at things like interpreting body language and behaviour in others, but it has been part of my profession and I learned a lot from noticing even tiny changes in body language in TV and films and in real life too. I’ve had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I rehearse conversations and social situations in my head. I thought this was normal until I realised the pathological levels of thinking and planning that went into everyday interactions and social situations. I am constantly checking in on my body language, am I grimacing (something I do a lot)? Do I sound stupid? Was that joke inappropriate? Did I make eye contact? I also prepare phrases, anecdotes, and interesting facts (interesting only to me usually) to share. I’m naturally quite introverted and probably a bit miserable but I hide this from most people. I’ve convinced people I’m confident, bubbly, outgoing, and the life and soul of the party when I felt I had to. Only a very select few see the real me, the introverted person with terrible imposter syndrome that constantly worries about saying or doing the wrong thing and being seen as stupid. I get so anxious getting ready for social events that I quite often have a meltdown about something like my eyeliner not being straight (but it’s never really about that).
Then comes the post-mortem. What did I say last night? Did I say or do something wrong? Did I sound stupid? Why did I bother going? Everyone probably just thinks I’m even weirder or stupider than they already thought I was. My memory can be pretty terrible except when there is something painful, embarrassing or cringeworthy to remember. I can vividly remember conversations and social situations where I said or did the wrong thing, from 10-15 years ago. The embarrassment and shame still feel fresh as I’m reliving the memory. I thought this was just normal.
Social stuff is exhausting for me. I had a few weekends of being sociable in July and pretty much shut out my friends from then until a couple of days ago. I just felt burned out and needed to be anti-social for a while and recharge.
This is just one aspect of my differences and difficulties that led me to wonder if ADHD really explained everything. Everyone wears a mask to an extent. I’m sure your boss wouldn’t appreciate you turning up as the sweary, cynical person you are with your friends. We wear professional masks to work, and in situations where we need to show a polished version of ourselves. For me, it feels like double masking. The mask to show a more acceptable (neurotypical-passing) version of me, and then the work mask/ social mask/ gotta give a good first impression mask (delete as applicable).
It was this (and a plethora of other differences) that led me to think I might be autistic. I didn’t think about this until late last year/ early this year. And no, it was nothing to do with any famous women who were recently diagnosed (I know this led to a lot of assessment referrals). It was the realisation that I had been masking a lot of things that were difficult for me. I crave routine, order and tidiness but my ADHD sabotages this and this leads to me having meltdowns. I have special interests, but these are often transient as my ADHD needs feeding with shiny new things. I pick the skin on my fingers a lot, particularly when I feel stressed or overwhelmed. I’m sometimes embarrassed for people to see my hands. I also find it soothing to listen to the same songs over and over. There are many other things too.
I was dreading my assessment. I sent a developmental history, CAT-Q (masking scale), and a letter detailing my differences. I didn’t sleep well at all the night before (even by my own standards, with the bar set low). I was fidgety as soon as I woke up. I was very honest in answering the questions, in some cases I probably downplayed some of the differences. Apparently, this is common, that autistic people want to give accurate and measured responses. I kept stating, “but I can cope with it” even though the assessor said it wasn’t necessarily about whether I had learned to cope with stuff. I’m aware that many autistic people present very differently from the stereotypical autistic presentation, particularly women, trans and non-binary people.
At the end of the assessment, it was confirmed that I am autistic. I felt such relief. It explained why I had always felt like an outsider, why social situations are overwhelming and exhausting and so many other things. I felt different from being very young. I have a vivid memory of being able to cry so much that I came out in hives (I’ve since realised this is a known phenomenon so not just me). I was picked on as a child and sometimes in adulthood. As an adult, I had some problematic friendships where it was often commented on that I was weird, naive or a prude (I’m demisexual and being perceived as prudish is quite common). I wanted to be liked so I accepted it. As I’ve gotten older, I have fewer friends but being selective means no longer accepting people in my friendship circle that treated me like shit. Being an outsider finally started to make sense.
I cried a bit that day. I only managed about two hours sleep that night, followed by getting up at 5am for a reformer pilates class. The next day I felt more confident and optimistic. I could be a bit more assertive about my needs. I wasn’t asking for the world when I wanted people to communicate clearly without ambiguity. I started to think about maybe letting the mask slip sometimes, and not trying to pass as neurotypical all the time. I’ve told some people. Reactions included surprise, thanks to the persisting stereotypes. Also, “but how did you cope with….?” I just did. It didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult for me. Top tip: always scope out places to cry secretly when you start a new job. That way, nobody will ever know you’re overwhelmed. But maybe it’s time to start being honest, and not place neurotypical expectations on myself? Just a thought.
My ADHD PhD 