Badminton

I love taking part in sport. I always have, despite the hangover from school and never being picked for the team. As a younger adult, I felt quite put off sports due to previous experience. I love open water swimming and running. I even did 5 a side football for a while before numbers dwindled. I struggle with social anxiety, so taking up something new requires some courage. I find sports and exercise really helps with my internal restlessness. I don’t show it outwardly but its there!

My husband and I upgraded our membership at the gym, which included racquet sports. I hadn’t played much tennis, no squash but had played badminton when I was younger. I bought some cheap entry level racquets, booked onto a badminton club session advertised as “all levels”, “fun” and “social”. I was nervous but showed up. Anxiety is often based on irrational fear of things that are unlikely to happen. This time, my anxiety turned out to be based on something real.

The coach/ instructor introduced himself and got on a court with me, asking me to hit the shuttlecock back to him. When it hit the floor, I picked it up and threw it under the net to him. He started making fun and asking why I wasn’t serving it back to him. I responded that he didn’t tell me to. Later he joined a doubles game with me. After the other side won (20 minutes into a 2 hour session), he suggested that I only come back if I can bring a similar level of player with me. He said my level of play would affect other players’ games and enjoyment. I agreed because I was stunned at being asked to leave. I mumbled that I’d find someone (I don’t have any friends who play) and clarified, “So I should finish there?” and he nodded. He said something about me being dangerous playing doubles as I would “run into” my play partner (which I didn’t), because we all know coordination and footwork takes 20 minutes to master. He also told another player what he had asked me to do. He said I could stay and the bench and watch other games for a few minutes. I sat there but couldn’t hold in my tears so left to go to the gym and at least salvage a proper workout. If this was an intermediate session I would have no issue with being asked to go, but it wasn’t. It was also neither fun nor social. It’s the only way into badminton at the club if you don’t have a partner to play with, but the gatekeeper is a cruel bully so if you can’t get past him, you can’t play.

It was school sports all over again. I hadn’t been picked for the team again, in my 40’s. I don’t know what the other players thought, but a reminder this was advertised as “all levels”, “fun” and “social” and it was clearly none of these.

I cried. I cried all through my gym session. I cried all the way home. I cried for the rest of the day and most of the night. It really hurt. I couldn’t sleep and it hurt to even look at my racquets, so I snapped them by bending them. I’m not proud, but even knowing they were there hurt so much. They went in the bin today.

20 minutes is all it took for me to take up a sport again and promptly give up, embarrassed, hurt and humiliated.

My ADHD makes concentration, attention, coordination and following complex instructions and play very difficult. It doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I just need more time, support and encouragement. I also need clear instructions. The emotional dysregulation part means I take incidents like this to heart, and they reinforce my beliefs that I’m stupid, lazy and weird.

I’m still really hurt and the thought of setting foot on a court again just feels like being face to face with the school bully, or the teacher that told me I wouldn’t achieve much, or the person that said I was weird. I want to turn the hurt into something, to make sense of it and stop others feeling like this. I’ve complained (obviously) and disclosed my condition and what it means. I’m meeting with management soon and suggested I provide some informal training on my condition and how it impacts me in sports and group exercise. We’ll see but they seem receptive. They are going to look at the badminton club description and speak to the instructor about his behaviour and lack of inclusivity despite inviting “all abilities”. I’ve been offered a game of badminton with members of the team but I’m not ready to think about going back on a badminton court. It still hurts too much.

In case you run a sports session, or are a coach, here is what would help me (and possibly other people with ADHD):

1. Clear instructions. If you want me to do something, say it. Also try and avoid multi-step directions. Break it down for me.
2. Provide feedback where I can improve, or where do well.
3. Recap and reteach throughout a training session. This helps me focus.
4. Provide notes, diagrams or other visual tools.
5. Be patient. Don’t expect me to get stuff straight away, even if the rest of the class do. My brain is different to theirs. I have limited working memory (like RAM) compared to others and impaired executive function, so remembering things and organising tasks or performing sequences is difficult.
6. If you need to have a difficult conversation, don’t do this in front of everyone or tell them after. I probably won’t come back if you do this.
7. Be realistic about the level you offer. If its all levels, then its all levels and it should be an expectation that anybody taking part will be playing with more and less skilled people than them. If they don’t like this, they should book on a different session where the skill level is defined.
8. Listen to feedback from participants. There’s always room to improve in coaching.
9. If I give up a sport straight after taking it up enthusiastically, then you are probably not a good coach. If I leave your session, cry for two days and break my racquet in half, then you are a terrible coach and should consider a career change or retirement.
10. I am a person as well as someone in my class. I know we’re limited for time, but get to know me and how my brain works.
11. Don’t patronise me. Just because I forgot what you just said or didn’t get your last instruction, IT DOES NOT MEAN I’M STUPID. I’m doing a PhD, which you’d know if you only bothered to ask.
12. Be nice. Don’t be a dick. Dicks don’t make good coaches.