I have to be re-diagnosed

So just before Christmas, the new ADHD provider (private but NHS funded, as with the previous provider) finally got in touch after I had been waiting for months. I was offered an appointment for an assessment. I queried this, but they said I have to be re-diagnosed or they’d be “liable” for prescribing any medication. I’ve never known this to happen with physical health conditions but correct me if I’m wrong. This whole thing is filling me with anxiety, and also adding to the stigma I already feel about taking stimulant based medication. I have no issue speaking to the new provider so they can get to know me and my symptoms, but a full assessment and re-diagnosis seems ridiculous and a waste of resources.

I also have hypothyroidism but at no point have I been asked to prove this, or had to be re-diagnosed to get access to levothyroxine. It took long enough to get diagnosed in the first place, after years of thinking I was going crazy despite feeling tired for years, on and off. Imagine if a doctor wanted to take me off meds to see if I get really tired, put on weight and have my hair thinning- just to check if I really do have hypothyroidism. That would be crazy wouldn’t it? Everyone knows it’s a lifelong conditions, right? See my point?

It feels like a lot of services for ADHD are set up to gatekeep access to stimulants, rather than to actually help (based on my own experience as a service user, and some of my friends). I’ve never even taken recreational drugs but if I did, there’s no way I’d put myself through all this hassle to obtain them. I’m fairly sure it would be easier and less painful to find a drug dealer even with the threat of having both my legs broken. Besides which, I was pretty much horizontal on my first week of taking stimulant medication. I was exhausted. Stimulant based medications do not have the same effect on ADHD brains as they would on neurotypical brains. Yet here I am, feeling stigmatised again and feeling like I need to prove I’m not drug seeking.

When I first got diagnosed, it explained a lot. I started to challenge my imposter syndrome and the feelings that I’m rubbish at stuff, lazy and stupid. Slowly that is being undone again by the stigma of taking meds, stimulants in particular. I started to feel like I was asking too much, just for wishing to function slightly better and not even to the same level as a neurotypical person. I don’t feel like I’m on the right meds, although I think there is a tiny impact on some of my hyperactive/ impulsive symptoms and I sleep better, plus a very minor improvement in starting things (but I still have lots of things I’ve yet to start). I’ve also started taking up new things and losing interest quickly again. The study/ spare room is once again becoming the place where new hobbies go to die. I’ve had to wait since my provider closed to have my meds reviewed. Now I have to get diagnosed again, for something I already have, just to get my meds switched.

It can be really disheartening when you hear stories of people with ADHD who have had “spectacular” results with medication. I’d happily take a moderate improvement but still waiting. “Pills don’t teach skills” is something that gets banded about in the ADHD community. It’s very true, but I’m relying on these strategies alone to manage stuff and still feel overwhelmed by minor tasks. I cope better when I have a lot of well established structures, so I cope far better at work than at home, but recently have double booked things and had to re-arrange (which can be embarrassing when others don’t understand your condition). Similarly, for years I have left my keys in the same spot on coming in the flat. If I hadn’t done this, I’d still be losing them.

I’m really dreading my re-diagnosis and feeling like I have to “do an ADHD for the lady” to prove I have something that I have already been diagnosed with, and that I am worthy of having medication for it. I don’t want to go back to just feeling I’m rubbish at everything, stupid and lazy. On the other hand, having to jump through these stupid hoops is a waste of resources and honestly makes me feel like throwing my diagnosis and meds in the bin, because sometimes it isn’t worth this massive stigma. But I feel like at least I should have the chance to have my condition treated. It’s hard enough dealing with people who think ADHD doesn’t exist, or even those people who think they’re doing good by saying we’re just different and should accept it and not seek treatment. The world wasn’t designed for neurodiversity but at the same time, my brain works differently and there’s plenty of research on the safety and efficacy of ADHD treatment. As I’ve often heard, “If you don’t produce your own neurotransmitters, shop bought it fine.” Meds don’t and won’t change who I am, or dampen my creativity, but should help me to channel it better- rather than the constant noise and distraction. I like how my brain works in a lot of ways, but there is room for improvement.

When I got diagnosed the first time, I was given a leaflet and prescribed meds. There was no other support available (such as coaching), other than via Access to Work. Now just to get the medication seems to be a battle. I have ADHD and it’s taken a while to accept it, no matter what the lady says.

I’ve been taking a few months off my PhD due to my anxiety being an issue. I’m looking forward to getting back to it at the end of the month, but would just be great if I knew my brain was working at it’s best so I function a little better and tackle my imposter syndrome. I’m realistic, I know I can’t sit and study for hours and hours and just absorb knowledge. I know I need to work in short bursts and mind map most stuff I read but that’s fine. I just don’t want to feel like every tiny task is an uphill battle.

Sorry (not sorry) for the brain dump here. I’m struggling to organise my thoughts especially when I’m already worrying about having to be re-diagnosed.