Wanted to do a quick post on something I briefly mentioned in another blog post. i identity as queer as you probably already know. At 17 I was outed as bisexual even though I never labelled myself and hadn’t figured out my sexuality at all. I sort of accepted it until around 21 when I came out as lesbian. Over the last 10ish years my sexuality has felt much more fluid. More recently, I’ve realised I’m demisexual. For me, queer encompasses all the aspects of my sexuality pretty well. It’s also a bit of an anti-label for those of us who aren’t so easy to figure out.
I always felt a bit weird. I was hoping to have way more sex than I actually did in my 20’s. I thought I was just very picky or unlucky. I’d go on dates and wonder why I didn’t feel attracted to the person. It took a couple of months before I felt attracted to my partner. I could meet people and find we had stuff in common but never got the warm and fuzzies on a first date, or second, or third. I got called a prude quite a lot, which I’m not. It wasn’t about having “standards” or making someone wait either.
Realising I’m demisexual (and demiromantic too I guess) has been empowering. I’m not weird, I just feel attraction differently. Demisexual people don’t generally feel sexual attraction until they form an emotional bond with another person. It’s not a choice. It’s part of the asexual spectrum. Most people will probably think you’re not interested if you don’t fancy them on the first or second date, so dating can be a nightmare. I used to think I was missing out as I’d never felt love at first sight (and never will), or want to jump into bed with anyone I haven’t had time to form a bond with. It completely goes against all the Hollywood romcom cliches of falling in love after you make eye contact with someone across a crowded room.
I’m not weird, prude, frigid or whatever other insult you want to throw at me. I actually can’t feel attraction that quickly or in the same way as other people. It can also fluctuate and there are times I’ve not felt sexual or romantic attraction at all. Sexuality can be fluid. It’s not fixed as soon as you enter adulthood and it’s fine to identify differently to when you were younger.
I’ve met quite a few other autistic people on the asexual spectrum too, so I don’t feel quite so weird these days. Sometimes labels can be helpful in understanding yourself, but they can change over time. I’m finally starting to feel like I’ve found “my people” though.
My ADHD PhD 